Lately I’ve felt consumed by chronic illness.
5 months of switching thyroid medications and trying to find the right dose…and cycling between hypo and hyperthyroidism.
Eaten alive describes it well.
“Alive” because underneath the ravages of these diseases I actually have a fairly young persons body. I have some big dreams but mostly I just have little accomplishments that I’d like to be able to achieve everyday.
Things like: taking a walk, having the energy to read to my babies and to connect with my husband, after a long and busy day.
But for months, actually years, I’ve had to operate in survival mode. Hoping each day that I can just push through it. Surviving on coffee for it’s stimulant effect, so it can replace the depleted energy that should be produced by my body.
It’s hard to feel like you’re watching your life from the sidelines. It’s even harder to do so when your goals for the day have become so pathetically small and yet still unachievable.
I could use a good cry.
But reality is….with chronic illness sometimes you need to push the tears aside and just float.
I don’t know how else to describe it. I’m not really happy with the diseases that feel as though they’re crushing my simple hopes. But to cry about them all the time would be pointless…so I just float in the moment.
Floating in the moment helps me to accept the burdens of my chronic diseases. And that’s all I let the burdens be, “just a moment”.
Crying all the time puts me into rejection mode. I start resenting and rejecting “the cross” and they become heavier.
I end up having to carry the weight of the illness anyways and then my created resentfulness and bitterness too.
How do you cope with the chronic nature of type one diabetes? I could really use your inspiration!